I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
