My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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