i don't like sucking hair
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
