She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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