last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
