My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
