Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
