i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
