he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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