I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
