I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
