Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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