How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
