ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
