fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
