Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
