I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
