I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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