I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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