I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
