i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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