listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
