Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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