I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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