i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
