don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
