I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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