Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
