I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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