I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
