Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
