I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
