I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
