Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
