I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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