i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
