i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
