if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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