i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
