The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
