4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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