Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
