Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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