when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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