Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
