My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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