Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't make out with my wife yet
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
