I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my vagina is haunted
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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