3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
