You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
